


You're Not In My Stars

by sazmaey



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: I love Lai Guanlin, M/M, May be a sad ending, PanWink - Freeform, centers around Panwink, i'm lazy sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2019-02-12 14:56:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12961869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sazmaey/pseuds/sazmaey
Summary: Park Jihoon wants to undo it all.In other words--Park Jihoon has a huge crush on Lai Kuanlin but Lai Kuanlin may or may not feel the same.





	You're Not In My Stars

He was always an attraction—something people would like to admire for a really long time. He's breathtaking, with a charming smile and the most beautiful eyes to stare into. Park Jihoon loves that about him, he loves the fascination the boy had. His dances aren't as graceful but it had charisma and a sort of character that only he could pull off. Hell, even Jihoon himself can't leave quite the same impression. The boy was the definition of everything he wanted to be, the inspiration to every atom in him.

Park Jihoon remembers the first moment the boy catches his eye. And he remembers the first time he really looked and the thought of  _wow, he's beautiful_ running in his head. The stare he gave, and the bewildered smile on his face. There was a deep insecurity buried in his heart as he'd realised it. Jihoon wasn't egoistic, but he knows he's quite attractive and more than pleasant to look at but the boy that stood in front of him on that very day made him re-think that statement he gave himself. Jihoon thinks that if he's handsome, then there are no words in any dictionary in any language to describe the latter.

But Jihoon knows very well he was never meant for Lai Kuanlin. Not even in those moments when the lights go off in the dorms and the younger tangles their legs together—providing Jihoon with the type of comfort and warmth he would've never expect from anyone else besides his mother. Not even in those moments he'd catch Kuanlin softly smiling to himself whenever he had to do aegyo in front of the camera—or those moments Kuanlin would say sweet, random comments so easily and nearly gave him a heart attack.

Because in the end, Park Jihoon knows what Lai Kuanlin felt for him was a simple, pure admiration as a dongsaeng would to a hyung. Of course, most of the time he wills himself to believe that there were more between the spaces in their group's dynamic—that there was more to what Kuanlin would feel for him. But those are just foolish hopes. Jihoon thinks whoever said, ‘ _it doesn’t hurt to hope_ ’ is an idiot and is so very wrong. Well, news flash—it does hurt to hope.

After all, Kuanlin acts the same as he does with Jihoon whenever he's with Jung Wooseok as well. It makes him want to punch the younger in the face for being so charming and talks smoother than the lines in all the K-Dramas he secretly watches alone whenever he needs to remind himself that he's probably just the second lead if they were in one. It was a stupid thought, and even more stupid when he thinks that that's all he's ever going to be. Especially when he came in second for Produce 101. Pathetic.

"Wait, what am I thinking? Daniel-hyung deserves the first place." He thought out loud. Maybe it was just his ego finally kicking in.

Frustrated, alone and damn right  _depressed_ , Jihoon continues feeding himself the almost melted ice-cream inside the cup he's holding. It almost feels like he's shooting a scene from one of those western shows where a brunette girl starts to cry. Except Jihoon doesn't cry, he just stares aimlessly at the walls of his bedroom. It's a good thing he gets to avoid Lai Kuanlin for the next three days since they were granted a short well-deserved break from the world.

The notification on his phone suddenly went off out loud, startling him from the imaginary ending he was daydreaming of with Kuanlin. You know, the ones where it ends with soft kisses and whispers of confessions. However, thankfully, before he can get any more sulky than this, his phone saves him. And so Jihoon grabs his phone from the bedside table lazily. Forget whatever he said before, the text was from the last person he wanted himself to associate with. Lai Kuanlin.

 

****Kuanlinnie** **

_Hyung, why aren't you returning my texts?_

_Are you okay?_

_I'm fine. I'm always fine._

_Are you sure?_

_Did I do something?_

At this point, Jihoon really wants to strangle someone because fuck  _yes, Lai Kuanlin. This is all your doing_. But he restrains his fingers from typing those harsh words. It wasn't his fault Jihoon can't keep things professional between his bandmates and it's also very embarrassing if he'd suddenly detonate and bursts out his confession. There was no point to anyways. There was nothing left to hope, either.

 

****Kuanlinnie** **

_Ofc not Linnie. I'm just going through something._

_You want to tell me?_

_You can trust me, hyung._

_It's okay. It's something I have t_ _o figure out myself._

_Alright. But don't hesitate_ _to tell me anytime._

The biggest problem? Park Jihoon might do just that. He might just have himself get out of bed and literally run to wherever that troublesome maknae was and tell the truth. He might have just believed in himself for one second and believed even for a split second that Lai Kuanlin was made for him. But he's not. Lai Kuanlin was never meant for him and that was just the saddest and biggest realisation he had since this morning.

The tears finally fell. Jihoon suddenly thinks that whoever said ‘ _He's not worth your tears_ ’ is either pretty dumb and definitely has never encountered themselves with a lanky 17 year old, Lai Kuanlin. Because as much as he hates feeling like a loser, Lai Kuanlin is always,  _always_  worth the trouble. He would always be worth every single shit Jihoon went through.

 

 

****25th of August, 2017** **

Sunny days in South Korea would always be a blessing. Park Jihoon loved everything about the bright sky because it would be warm in contrast of the cold weather they seemed to always have. He loved that the sun gave him a positive energy even after waking up from only a three hour sleep from last night's hectic schedule. It's also a plus point knowing that any selfies he'd take today would turn out great and makes his complexion look a lot better than it already is.

Jihoon happily skips towards the kitchen, still in sleepwear and _has_  brushed his teeth, thank you very much. And it seems that he wasn't the only one awake, which was quite surprising because Lai Kuanlin was definitely not the person he'd expect to be up this early after a busy night. They've only debuted a few weeks ago and only shared the same room for a month or less, but if there was anything he knew about the younger, it was the fact that he definitely prioritises his sleep more than anything. Jihoon can't blame him though, they haven't been able to get some rest even after winning Produce 101.

"Oh, Jihoon-hyung? You're up?" Jihoon hears Kuanlin says in broken Korean. That was another thing Jihoon picked up from the latter's personality—his pronunciation always seems off whenever he's just woken up. And his voice is definitely extra mumbly than it already was.

"Yeah. What are  _you_  doing up though?" He responds.

"Homesick. So I went out to the living room to call my mum and then I got hungry." Kuanlin explains sheepishly, running his fingers through his hair—another habit of his that Jihoon noticed.

He nods in response. Everyone in the band admires Kuanlin for being brave to have come all the way from Taiwan just to pursue his dreams. And everyone knows that beneath that dimpled smile and small crinkles around his eyes, Kuanlin was just a 17 year old boy. "You said you were hungry. Would you like some eggs? It's the only thing I can make."

There was that smile again. Kuanlin was beaming adorably, nodding his head furiously. That morning, Park Jihoon couldn't resist himself from noticing a lot more things about the maknae. He was confused for the rest of the week on whether he's just become a more observant person or if he’s just developed an interest in the younger boy. It didn't make sense, because the only things he ever payed attention to throughout his life was dance and...dance.

Jihoon didn't know whether to feel flattered or embarrassed under Kuanlin's gaze. The younger boy was staring at him attentively, quietly as Jihoon crosses the kitchen to reach where the refrigerator was. He took out two eggs and proceeded to make some omelettes for breakfast. Even as he cooked, Jihoon feels himself blush since Kuanlin was still watching him closely. He felt a little insecure too, just in case maybe his face was too swollen in the morning as opposed to a normal day.

"Is there something on my face, Kuanlin-ah?" Jihoon asks after mustering enough courage to do so. He doesn't even have any idea why he was so affected by this.

"Hmm?" Came the reply, "What do you mean?"

"You've been staring at my face for a while now." Jihoon says with an awkward laugh, carrying the omelettes onto separate plates.

"Ohhhh," Kuanlin says in understanding, "Well, I guess there  _is_  something on your face, hyung."

The latter feels himself blush in embarrassment, thinking that it's potentially drool. "What is it?"

"Beauty. It's been distracting me since we've met." Kuanlin says smoothly with a mischievous grin spread across that smug face of his. The elder is suddenly left in between two very different feelings—to blush yet again and let himself be affected by the smooth words of a 17 year old boy or to smack the same boy on the face for mocking him. Jihoon is unsure whether this is healthy or not.

In the end, Jihoon opts for not giving any sort of reaction and just hands over the plate of omelettes. The younger boy received it with an even wider smile and a small ‘ _thank you, hyung_ ’ before the two of them proceed to enjoy breakfast in silence. And of course at the time, Park Jihoon had no idea what kind of trouble the 183cm tall boy sitting across from him would give. But he can't deny he doesn't like it.

 

 

****3rd of September, 2017** **

The boys of Wanna One had finished their schedule late that night, and it was around 3am when they’d all finally come back to the dorms. It took a while for them to clean up too, so it wasn’t until an hour or so later when they finally had the luxury to sleep. Park Jihoon was one of the last ones to get to bed, and he just started drifting away from reality when his bed dipped a little as someone invaded his space. It was already starting to feel familiar—the long, yet comforting arms engulfing him they lay in the dark—and Jihoon has yet to know whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.

“Hyung, are you already sleeping?” Kuanlin whispers into his ear, and Jihoon could feel it. He could feel the younger boy’s slow breathing against his skin, sending shivers down his spine. He was sleepy, could barely open his eyes but there was no way he could’ve missed it.

The reply never came, mainly because Jihoon didn’t know whether he should answer or see what Kuanlin would do if he  _was_  asleep. Jihoon stays quiet, and tried to slow his heartbeat. However, to his disappointment, the latter didn’t say anything and only swung his long legs—that seemed to be a package since his arms were very long as well—around Jihoon. Now  _that_  seemed to make Park Jihoon fully awake and aware of the warm body pressed against his back.

But when Jihoon woke up the next morning, Lai Kuanlin was gone. Instantly, the first thing he thought of was  _oh, it was a dream_. It made him wonder for a split second if he was really that whipped until he wanted to see the younger boy even in his dreams. And so Kim Jaehwan, in all his glory, came into the room and noticed Jihoon had woken up from his slumber. “Oh, Jihoon-ah! You just missed Kuanlin, he left to meet up with Seonho,” He explains, and the next few sentences broke  _something_  in Jihoon, “In case you were wondering, that is. Ah, their friendship is too cute for them to be ‘just friends’, don’t you think?”

Jihoon simply smiles, nodding as if he was agreeing, “Yeah. It is.”

 

 

****23 rd of September, 2017** **

Twenty days later, they were in Bangkok. It was Kuanlin’s birthday, and it only occurred to Jihoon that he had nothing to gift the maknae. He was panicking before they got on stage since the members, except Kuanlin who was getting his makeup done, was discussing about surprising him during the concert. Sungwoon noticed the way Jihoon paled, and he was concerned. “Jihoon-ah, are you okay?”

Jihoon snapped his head towards the older, and thought,  _shit what am I supposed to say?_  “It’s okay to feel nervous, just enjoy the stage.” Sungwoon continues and Jihoon’s heartbeat slowed down.  _Ah, hyung thought I was nervous_ , but still, Jihoon panics by himself. He wonders to himself as he starts coming up with lame excuses for Kuanlin later—whom he can’t escape since they were sharing a hotel room. Surely, he will forgive Jihoon, right?

After the concert, all the members surrounded Kuanlin yet again and showered him with more confettis and adoration as they handed him their gifts one by one. Jihoon felt embarrassed and pretended he went to the toilet to escape the scene. But really, he was just in the car waiting for the others praying Kuanlin chooses the other car. Fate wasn’t by his side so the next thing he knew, they were squished together in the backseat. Jihoon could only smile sheepishly when his head accidentally hit Kuanlin’s shoulder.

Once they’d arrive in the hotel’s lobby, Jihoon got stuck to walk with Kuanlin to their room. Since their room was on a different floor above the others, they had to spend a couple minutes alone with only each other’s presence. “So, you didn’t get me a birthday present, huh?” Kuanlin asks, breaking the silence once the rest of the members got off the lift and it was just the two of them.

Park Jihoon thought he was done for. “I-y-yeah. I’ll get you something when we’re Korea later though, I pro-”

“It’s okay hyung. A cuddle tonight will be enough.” Kuanlin grins cheekily. The elder was blushing by then, and he swears his heart was doing that crap again—the random double backflip before falling even more deeply with Lai Kuanlin.

“Are you sure? You can just ask for anything you want and I’ll get it for you in Korea later.” Jihoon says, trying to save himself from this mess. The lift doors open, and they both get off to head over to their room.

“You can do that after agreeing to cuddle tonight. After all, it  _is_ a queen-sized bed. It’ll be much comfortable than those double-deckers back home.”

Park Jihoon was defeated, and by someone younger than him. He wasn’t sure if he agreed because he  _wanted_ to or because he didn’t want to hurt the younger boy’s feelings on his birthday. But he is pretty sure he’s leaning towards the first more. And that it was the best sleep he’d ever gotten in a while—especially being in Kuanlin’s comforting arms. It made him feel safe.

****

****

****11 th of October, 2017** **

By the time October rolled in, Park Jihoon is sure he is slowly falling in love with one of his bandmates. Unsurprisingly, it’s Lai Kuanlin. There’s just a certain aura about the younger boy that drew him in, and of course, the many times Kuanlin has confused his poor,  _poor_  heart. Kuanlin was also a tease sometimes too, it seemed as if he was making Jihoon feel this way on purpose. He’s sure by now the others have taken notes on the many times he has blushed under the maknae’s gaze, or the many times he was swerved with literally just short sentences Kuanlin says and eventually—they would know of Jihoon’s little crush. Alright, so maybe it’s more of a  _huge_ crush, since he’s so far gone by now.

To be perfectly honest, Jihoon isn’t entirely sure how Kuanlin can stay so oblivious to this fact and how he isn’t aware that maybe his words and actions seem just a bit more than friends and might confuse Jihoon. And that is why, he is alone in the dorms right now, in his room underneath the duvets. The rest of the members were out shopping for Halloween costumes. Jihoon doesn’t understand why waste their precious free-time on an American festive holiday instead of resting before their next schedule. He sighs, deep within his own foolish thoughts.

‘ _Jihoon-hyung is someone I can’t not have._ ’ The same words keep repeating in his head. How can Kuanlin say that so easily, and on camera too? He’s pretty sure that once something so interesting is caught on camera, the editing team will surely put it in Wanna One Go and the whole world is going to see it. Jihoon is sure they will never let this go, especially after he kissed the younger boy on the cheek back in the Produce 101 days. He’s scrolled through the comments on multiple videos of the same moment, and the fans were sure it was Kuanlin that was pining after himself.

Jihoon scoffs at the thought.  _As if._  Well, reality sucks because  _he’s_ the one pining after Kuanlin. There was no way in this life, and in the universe that Lai Kuanlin ever liked him in the first place. Because all that tease and mischievousness is just part of the younger’s personality. He literally acts like that with everyone and anything he sees. If a fan ever knew him in real life, Jihoon is sure they will faint, no— _die —_ when encountering themselves with Kuanlin.

Park Jihoon was so deep in his thoughts that he didn’t even hear the door swinging open and someone had entered the room. It was only until he feels the bed dipping as the familiar cologne fills up his nostrils—Lai Kuanlin. Kuanlin always smells like what society thinks a man should smell like, unlike Jihoon who always opted for strawberry kiwi shampoo and warm vanilla sugar mist from  _Bath & Body Works_. There was that surge of warmth and comfort again as Jihoon feels himself being engulfed in yet another cuddle by the younger. “You’re home early.” Jihoon comments.

“I never left.” Kuanlin replies, tucking Jihoon’s head underneath his. “I was in the living room, waiting for you to come out. I thought you knew I was here.”

“Oh. I didn’t. Sorry, Kuanlin-ah.”

“It’s okay. I just thought maybe you fell asleep so I decided to come in, but you were just staring at the bed above you. Is something bothering you?” Kuanlin says, and tangles their legs together. Jihoon is actually afraid of how he was used to the feeling already—how he had foreseen what the younger’s cuddle routine is. And next, Kuanlin is going to k-

There it is, Kuanlin’s soft lips pressed against Jihoon’s temples. Jihoon hates it and loves it at the same time. “T-there is nothing bothering me.”

“Really? So you don’t mind me being clingy towards you? Minhyun-hyung told me that I might’ve made you uncomfortable.”

There was a certain sadness hidden behind the words Kuanlin said. So Jihoon, being the amazing hyung he is—also very stupid—he didn’t want to disappoint. He shakes his head, “No. Of course not, Kuanlinnie. I don’t mind it.”

****

****

****7 th of November, 2017** **

The weather slowly starts getting colder as winter is approaching. Jihoon had dressed himself up in thicker clothing, replacing a normal jacket with a blue wool cardigan that matches any of his outfits. They were busy this time around with the upcoming comeback, which is only a few days away. Today, Jihoon and Daniel had to finish shooting their scenes in the music video while the others finish up their recordings and perfect their dance moves.

During the shoot, Jihoon was sure he saw a tall figure watching him. Lai Kuanlin, most probably. That’s why afterwards, he goes around looking for the younger. “Kuanlinnie? Lai Kuanlin?” He calls out. Jihoon sees one of the managers and approached the man. “Excuse me, have you seen Kuanlin?”

“Lai Kuanlin? He’s right behind you.”

Jihoon turns around. “Oh, hyung! I brought you some leftovers from lunch. You must be hungry.” And Kuanlin was nowhere near wrong. Jihoon really was hungry. But then he remembers he’s on a diet for their comeback. Damn.

Jihoon looks sadly at the container in Kuanlin’s hands. “I can’t, I’m on a diet.”

Kuanlin rolls his eyes as if he hadn’t just stated the obvious. “I  _know_. That’s why I only brought you a salad. There’s lots of them, since the others don’t like vegetables. In fact, this was the only thing left since all the fried chicken is gone.”

Jihoon’s face lit up instantly, taking the container from Kuanlin’s hands straightaway. If he can’t consume chicken, then he might as well eat some salad because he was that hungry. “Thanks, Kuanlinnie. You’re the best.”

On another note, Park Jihoon meant every word. Lai Kuanlin really is the best.

****

****

****30 th of November, 2017** **

After MAMA in Japan finally ended, Jihoon was exhausted. He looked for Kuanlin, secretly seeking his comfort. It was odd, since he’s rarely the first one to initiate skinship with the latter but he couldn’t help it. He found Kuanlin near the toilet backstage, on the phone. And Jihoon could’ve just made his presence known but after hearing who was on the receiving end, he couldn’t help but feel a tinge of curiosity. Naturally, he kept his silence and resorted to eavesdropping.

He hears Kuanlin sigh into the phone. “No, of course not. Jihoon-hyung is just a friend.” Jihoon felt his heart crack a little at that. “Yah, Yoo Seonho. How can you say that? Of course I love you.”

_Oh, that’s what it is. So I really am just a friend._  Park Jihoon knows he could’ve misunderstood or maybe report this to the manager or to Cube Entertainment since dating is not allowed, especially a gay relationship. But he cared a little too much about Kuanlin, he  _loves_  him too much. The exhaustion he had was long gone, replaced by an unexpected emptiness in his heart. And the desire to feel Kuanlin’s warmth vanished, because all Jihoon wants to do now is to forget—to stop hoping.

In the end, Park Jihoon knows he was never meant for Lai Kuanlin. 


End file.
